by Anastasia Chrysostom | Jan 1, 2020 | Child Therapy
by Madison Longchamp, MS, APC
Most enjoy being in control sometimes. Some of us feel very uncomfortable when we are not in control.
Our relationship with control is a major contributor to our ability to maintain relationships, deal with emotions, and thrive day to day.
The same goes for our children.
Many of the unhealthy dynamics families create center around power – whether the child has too much and the parent feels they have too little or vice versa. Feeling in control is a good feeling and is important for everyone, but it is not always something, ironically, that we often feel in control of. Imbalances in parent’s and children’s desire for power can stem from different sources and may need to be explored further. Understanding locus of control can go a long way in aiding healing.
Below is an activity I often do with kiddos to exhibit the impact of control in our lives and to begin a conversation about their relationship with control:
The inner circle was colored with my dominant hand. As you can see, it is a lot neater than the outer circle. The outer circle was colored with my non-dominant hand. It was a lot more frustrating! I had a lot more control while coloring the inner circle than while coloring the outer.
Try this activity for yourself out and see what you might discover about your own relationship with control.
After we discuss the activity itself, we discuss what the activity represents. When we focus on what we control (our inner circle, inner locus of control), we feel less frustrated and develop a sense of mastery and self-confidence. When we focus on things we cannot control (our outer circle, outer locus of control) we can become very frustrated and discouraged. What we find in our inner circle is only our own choices and responses. In our outer circle is, well, everything else.
Not only does having an inner locus of control help when our children (and us too!) are frustrated, but it can also help develop a more solid sense of self-worth.
Having an inner locus of control means we focus on our own part in our successes and our losses.
This leads to increased self-esteem and a focus on growth rather than discouragement. So, next time you are feeling things are out of control, focus on what you can control in that moment and help your child do the same. The next time your child does something well like gets a good grade and blows it off as “good luck” or “by chance,” help them develop their own inner locus of control by offering that they worked hard for that good grade and can do so again.
Madison Longchamp, MS, APC I am a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. I received my Bachelor’s of Science degree in Psychology from The University of Alabama and my Master’s of Science degree in Psychology and Clinical Counseling from Brenau University. I have research experience in child development and education and experience providing and interpreting psychological and cognitive assessments.
Learn more about Madison and how she can help your child here!
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by Anastasia Chrysostom | Aug 23, 2019 | Child Therapy
by Genelle Black, MA
I recently opened my email to see the subject of a newsletter I had received that was all about how to “control” your teen. Immediately I was triggered. You control your electronics or machinery. You can control an animal.
You can’t or shouldn’t control a human being.
Take a second and think back in time to when you were a teen. Did you like being bossed around? Did you take kindly to others imposing their will on you? Did their bossiness make you want to comply or rebel? If you’re anything like most teens, you did things just because you were told you couldn’t or shouldn’t.
That is part of what adolescence is; testing boundaries.
When I think of control in the context of parenting, I think of the authoritarian parent. That is the parent who believes that it is their way or the highway. This parent seeks to break the will and spirit of their child. The parent who switches up rules on a whim to suit whatever their need or feeling is that day. There is no reasoning, no compromise and no understanding with this parent. This style of parenting breeds unhealthy attachment styles for their children that last well into adulthood.
Adolescence is also a time of self-discovery and individuation. Attempting to control your teen will stunt that self-discovery and make the transition to adulthood even more difficult. Making choices and dealing with the resulting natural consequences of said choices will be foreign to those adults who have no autonomy.
All this is not to say that adolescents do not need boundaries and guidance. The way guidance, discipline and boundaries look over time should shift based on the age and developmental stage of your child. You can’t simply redirect your teen away from the dangers of sexting and inappropriate sexual behaviors as you would redirect your toddler from a dangerous stove or electrical outlet.
The adolescent years require parents to actively engage in helping the teen develop a moral compass and a strong sense of self.
In order to do this work, you must approach your relationship with your kid from a place of openness. So many times parents discipline from a place of shame or fear. Those two emotions tend to leave little room for truth or growth. Fear and shame make us say things like “how could you do that?” Or “No child of mine would do that!” Or even “what’s wrong with you?” To minimize issues with your tween or teen, try some of these changes.
- Be proactive about the behaviors you want to see. Create a behavioral contract with a clearly defined list of desired behaviors and clearly defined consequences. The adolescent and the parents come to an agreement about what is expected and there is no ambiguity which results in seeing more of the desired behaviors.
- Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to your teen when they vent. If you don’t listen to the small things they won’t tell you the big things. Your teen must know that you are a safe person to confide in and that communication with you will remain judgement free and non-punitive.
- Let your tweens and teens learn from the natural consequences of their actions. Don’t step in to rescue them from everything and don’t always be quick to step in with your own punishments.
- Educate your kids about the risks they are taking. Notice I said educate and not “shame”. You may have heard your parents say “good girls don’t do xyz”. A better approach would be to discuss the risks and rewards for such behavior. It may look like saying “It may have felt good to get that kind of attention from your crush but you took a big risk by sexting with him”. Then talk about the risks without judgement and what can be done differently when similar situations come up in the future.
- When you do impose consequences, think of the intended goal of the discipline and make it appropriate to the situation.
- Discuss behavioral issues or problems with your tweens and teens when everyone has had a chance to cool down. Discipline and anger should not go together.
- Make sure that you are able to follow through on any disciplinary measures you impose. Empty threats will get you nowhere and problem behaviors will only escalate.
- Choose your battles wisely. If you are reactive to everything that your adolescent does and every reaction is punitive, they start to think, “I’m always in trouble anyway/I’m going to be in trouble no matter what I do so I might as well do what I want”.
If you find that your family requires individualized help in order to decrease conflict with your tweens and teens, please schedule an appointment to speak with me about how I can help.
Genelle Black, MA I am a pre-licensed professional counselor with 9 years of experiencing working in school, community, clinic and forensic settings. I graduated with two bachelor of arts degrees in Psychology and Music from Spelman College in Atlanta. I also have my MA in Counseling Psychology with a forensic concentration. I completed the majority of my training as a Marriage and Family Therapist trainee and interned in California providing play therapy to children traumatized by community violence and domestic violence in their homes. I am also trained in trauma-focused CBT and grief work and have done extensive work with foster and adopted children. I look forward to working with you to help your child on the journey of healing.
Learn more about Genelle and how she can help you and your child today, Here
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by Anastasia Chrysostom | Jul 11, 2019 | Child Therapy
by Madison Longchamp, MS, APC
All relationships have ruptures. Inevitable, feelings will be hurt, there will be disagreements, and every now and then we may not handle something as well as we would like. Whether our child is misbehaving, we are having a rough day, or everyone is just at their wit’s end, ruptures will occur. When this happens, we make a withdrawal from our parent-child emotional bank account with our child. But what happens if we don’t have any money saved up? What if that withdrawal leaves a negative balance?
When we have Positive and Fun Experiences with our Child, It’s like Stacking up Money in the Bank
When you have money saved up, making a withdrawal isn’t such a big deal. Children are much more likely to go along with us when they view us as fun and nurturing. When we have repeated negative interactions with our children, it feeds future negative interactions and can feel like we are stuck in an endless loop.
We might even feel like we don’t know how to enjoy our child anymore because everything feels like a struggle. However, when we have positive experiences with our children built up, it is much easier to bounce back after a rupture and reconnect.
If you’ve felt like you’ve been in the negative lately, spend some time with your child that is low pressure and unstructured. Minimize the possibility of you or your child feeling stressed. That means if you don’t like mess, baking cupcakes or doing an art project on your freshly cleaned kitchen table might not be a good idea.
Make sure you are ready to be flexible, silly, and simply enjoy your kiddo!
Then continue stacking positive interactions by building in play with your child throughout the day.
One of my favorite memories from childhood is my mother teaching me how to throw up my bed sheets and run under them like I was in a colorful dome. Making my bed every day could have been a very arduous task, but my mother saw it as an opportunity to put some money into our bank account.
Madison Longchamp, MS, APC I am a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. I received my Bachelor’s of Science degree in Psychology from The University of Alabama and my Master’s of Science degree in Psychology and Clinical Counseling from Brenau University. I have research experience in child development and education and experience providing and interpreting psychological and cognitive assessments.
Learn more about Madison and how she can help your child here!
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by Anastasia Chrysostom | May 29, 2019 | Child Therapy
by Madison Longchamp, MS, APC
Let’s talk about effective discipline. When our children are feeling big emotions, it can be hard to know how to help them. It becomes even more complicated when their behaviors aren’t acceptable, and we are trying to figure out how to discipline them.
Effective discipline is meant to teach your child something new, something that will keep them safe, and help them grow. It is also one of the best ways to show your child you love them! When your child is emotionally dysregulated, any discipline will be ineffective. They’re in survival mode.
Here are 3 Steps to Help Your Child Move from a Place of Disconnection and Dysregulation to a Place of Safety and Calm so they Can Learn What You are Trying to Teach Them
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Step 1: Regulate
First, we must bring our child out of that fight/flight/freeze elevated state. This step requires us to have a whole lot of self-control and awareness. This means you must calm yourself and choose to connect with your child first, even if you feel like banishing your child to their room or taking away their iPad for a whole year! Recognize what your child may be feeling and let them know it is okay to feel those things, even if their actions are not okay. This moment is an opportunity for connection and teaching, but it will be lost if we are not in control of our own emotions.
Step 2: Relate
Next, we must let our child know we understand what’s going on and re-connect with them. To do this, lower your voice, get small, and communicate empathy and understanding to your kiddo. Give them words for what they may be feeling. This might be a good time to soothe your kiddo with a hug or by providing some other calming, physical contact. Once you have re-established the connection with your child and you both understand what’s going on, you can begin step 3.
Step 3: Reason
Now we get to set limits and help our child problem-solve. Let your child know what behaviors are not acceptable or safe and why. Then help them brainstorm alternatives for next time they feel this way. This will help your child become a better problem-solver and become more confident and self-assured over time. If needed, provide some logical consequences.
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If we jump right into reasoning, our child will continue feeling disconnected and misunderstood and they won’t be able to learn from the experience, no matter how logical we think our lesson is. Taking a moment to connect with your child can strengthen your bond and create lasting change as your child is able to reflect, articulate, and learn.
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Madison Longchamp, MS, APC I am a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. I received my Bachelor’s of Science degree in Psychology from The University of Alabama and my Master’s of Science degree in Psychology and Clinical Counseling from Brenau University. I have research experience in child development and education and experience providing and interpreting psychological and cognitive assessments.
Learn More About Madison Longcamp, MS, APC Here!
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