by Anastasia Chrysostom | Mar 19, 2020 | Uncategorized
by
Nyambura Kihato, M.Ed, MA, LPC, CCTP
While waiting for my friends to show up for our dinner date, I met a delightful woman at the bar who struck up a conversation with me. I asked her whether she was also waiting for someone, and she told me, no, she was out alone celebrating her 58th birthday. After wishing her a happy birthday and exchanging pleasantries, she talked about the freedom she feels now that she is in her late fifties, and how she wished she had experienced this “life giving, don’t-give-a-damn freedom” earlier in life. She went on to tell me how it took being in her fifties, with her children grown and her husband dead, for her to feel okay about spending time alone, treating herself to dinners and movies, taking walks alone, sleeping alone. She was forced into learning to appreciate solitude, rather than choosing it willingly. We had a lovely conversation about the value of enjoying one’s own company at any age.
It got me thinking about enjoying solitude.
I appreciate how in some ways, we as a society are becoming more open-minded and accepting of solitude: meditation, silent retreats, and journaling are now commonplace solitary activities.
Travel groups advertise trips for the solo traveler. Young folks are delaying marriage or choosing to remain single. You no longer have to be a monastic or widow/widower to justify your solitude. I love that instead of the heavy, judgmental term “spinster”, we now use the more fun and free “bachelorette” to describe single women, or, my favorite: “singleton” (shout out to Bridget Jones).
Yet in other ways, we are still wary of solitude and being single; even the words “unmarried” and “childless” have negative connotations (especially for women), implying that something is missing or you are somehow incomplete if you are single or have no kids. Certainly loneliness is painful and can be emotionally and physically devastating. As humans, we are wired for social connections with others, and we benefit when we nurture our relationships. Extreme loneliness can contribute to chronic illnesses, depression, despair, alienation, even suicide, which is the ultimate loneliness.
But being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. It takes practice, but we can learn to enjoy our own company without constantly needing to be with others (or with our electronic devices).
Enjoying your own company
But what if being alone is unbearable? I’m reminded of the joke:
My mind is like a bad neighborhood – I never go there alone.
If you are unable to tolerate physical or emotional solitude, need constant distractions, and tend to fill your life with so many events, dates, friends, work, screen time, etc. that you are left feeling drained and empty, then it may be useful to ask yourself whether you are using these things as defenses to avoid some underlying problem. Sometimes we may need a life coach or therapist to help us explore the inner motives for our outer behavior, and the negative self-talk or anxiety that makes us fill our headspace and lives with too many activities, people, and things.
With practice, we can relearn the enjoyment of solitude. We were good at it as kids. We may remember this from our own childhood or from watching a child play alone for hours, delighting in every moment, unconcerned or unaware of the gaze of others.
So don’t wait until friends and loved ones are gone or are unavailable.
Go alone to that movie you’ve been dying to watch, treat yourself to a solo dinner at a nice restaurant (with the phone turned off! – phones are not dinner companions), sit at the mall and people watch, take yourself to an art show, museum, or play, or just stay home with the sole purpose of having fun hanging out with yourself. Knock yourself out.
Nyambura Kihato, M.Ed, MA, LPC, CCTP I earned my Bachelor of Education in German Language and Literature from Kenyatta University in Kenya. I studied German further at the Goethe-Institut Nairobi, and in Luebeck, Germany. I went to graduate school at the University of Hull, UK, where I obtained a Master of Education in Counseling and Child Development and Learning. I taught for several years in Kenya before coming to the United States to study at the California School of Professional Psychology, San Diego, graduating with an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in the state of Georgia, trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and am a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP). I currently serve on the board of the Jung Society of Atlanta and am training to become a Jungian analyst.
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by Anastasia Chrysostom | Jan 30, 2020 | Uncategorized
by Tanya Thomas, APC
Recently, I saw this posted on Facebook.
A conference not too long ago stated that 34% of moms report that their childbirth experience was traumatic – and the OB next to me got really upset. She thought that was a ridiculously high percentage. The exchange set me thinking – what defines trauma? From a medical perspective trauma is an injury, a wound.
For many new moms the birth goes amazingly well – thanks to the medical care we have in this country. Some are injured – some have c-sections – some tear beyond the norm – some need help getting the baby to come out – all of these are physical injury or trauma. Trauma does physical damage that requires time to heal. That is what the OB understood.
But that is not what these moms are talking about with their traumatic births.
Themes around birth trauma center on four primary topics: the mother did not feel taken care of; the mother felt she was not communicated with; the mother did not feel safe; and the mother felt neglected in favor of the baby (Beck, p. 28). Birthing mothers often find themselves going from everyone encouraging them to take care of themselves (and remember the list of do and don’t eat foods from the OB?) to a live birth is the only goal.
The question arises – is the mom being taken care of too?
Being in such a vulnerable position – wearing nothing but a hospital gown – that does not stay closed, wires, monitors, I.V.s attached all over, feeling like a beached whale in pregnancy – leaves the mom feeling she cannot defend or take care of herself. From her perspective the experience of trauma becomes relevant.
Trauma, from a mental health perspective, while including physical or emotional injury can also include the perceived threat of injury. At a moment when a woman is most vulnerable – feeling out of control – of herself, of her body, and of the baby soon to be born – she is most susceptible to feeling threatened by the environment she is in, the people around her, the experience. While when she is dressed, not in labor, not attached to multiple machines she may find the situation suitable and non-traumatic.
Personal strengths and resilience in the moment are the defining force of whether an event feels traumatic.
Nine percent of women develop PTSD after their birth experience (Postpartum Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Please know that your experience was real – no matter what others perceived the birth to be – they were dressed; they made the plan of action when yours was off course; they did not feel restrained by wires or a large belly. You are not alone in your feelings. There is help and hope to recover from this trauma.
The first step is calling trauma trauma.
Beck, C. T. (2004). Birth trauma: In the eye of the beholder. [Abstract]. Nursing Research,53(1), 28-35. doi:10.1097/00006199-200401000-00005
Postpartum Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.postpartum.net/learn-more/postpartum-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/
Tanya Thomas, APC I am a mom myself – I have four. We stay busy between school, sports, and music! I love nurturing the wonderful human beings that my children are and, at times, am challenged by their being someone/something other than myself! I find motherhood to be both the peaceful journey down a river and an epic adventure filled with unforeseen events
Learn more about Tanya and how she can help you, Here!
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by Anastasia Chrysostom | Jan 27, 2020 | Uncategorized
by Kate Knott, MS, APC, NCC
I was recently experiencing pain in my lower back and hip area due to strenuous exercise. It was preventing me from being able to workout at all, which is my chosen form of stress relief and self-care. I noticed that the lack of ability made me frustrated and unable to sleep – a lovely combination. I am blessed to work part time at an addiction out-patient facility, The Summit Wellness Group, where we utilize a holistic approach to healing.
As part of our programming we have a chiropractor in once a week to adjust all the clients (and staff!). I hobbled in to see him and gingerly crawled on the table. I will admit I was hesitant as I thought it might make the situation worse. I was afraid of more pain, I distrusted the thought of relief.
As he proceeded with his work, he said to me these words,
“Where there is motion, there is the absence of pain”.
Within minutes of specific and precise movements I was astounded. The pain was gone and I could move. I thanked him and went back to my work with our clients, his words still in my head.
“Where there is motion, there is the absence of pain”. How true. How appropriate to all types of therapy and most especially within the field of mental health. When we are challenged and plagued by depression, anxiety and trauma we are “stuck”. We feel as though there is no movement and we fear hope in forward movement. We doubt that it can be better.
We fear the unknown and stay in the cruel cycle of pain.
What I am certain of is this:
Having a safe and supportive counselor is a true blessing and benefit. Choosing a counselor is of the utmost importance and it is your right to be able to do so. I am blessed to be in the position to assist my clients as they take the brave step to share time with me.
What I provide is a safe and non-judgemental environment wherein we can create movement. A release of pain and a realization that hope and health is indeed possible. It just is. The hardest part is finding the courage to make that first call and in trusting that I will be willing to join you as you find that you are worthy and that you are capable.
A trusted and trained counselor can help you identify why and how you feel stuck. When I work with my clients this is our first step. We then work together to utilize specific methods of therapeutic assistance that will put you on the right path towards mental and overall health.
The knowledge of different approaches combines an understanding of how our brains develop and interpret our growth, experiences, emotions and thoughts. The best approach will always be grounded in this knowledge and then applied in a safe and supported environment.
Where there is movement, there is the absence of pain.
Kate Knott, MS, APC, NCC We can work together to identify what you are struggling with and how to effect change in your life. I believe this because I have seen it happen. I went back to school later in life because I knew that I was passionate about helping others and I wanted to do so. I respect you and your experiences. I respect your story and your right to feel better! I believe in my knowledge and training within the profession of counseling and know it can be helpful.
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by Anastasia Chrysostom | Jan 27, 2020 | Uncategorized
by Madison Longchamp, MS, APC
Child development is complex and can be difficult for parents to navigate. Often parents find themselves basing what is “typical” on their child’s siblings, their neighbor’s kids, or a quick google search. Understanding what is typical at your child’s age and what may warrant seeking some extra help can make all the difference. Development continually builds upon itself. If your child gets stuck, they may fall further behind.
To understand development, we must remember that it is cyclical not linear.
Children go through periods of complete mayhem during which parents wonder where their sweet child has gone and if they’re ever coming back and periods during which parents see tremendous growth and are often so relieved that they made it through a rough patch. Then this cycle repeats.
The reasons behind this cycle can be many, but overall, as children grow they are constantly having to figure out entirely new abilities. Their bodies get larger and they must re-learn how to use them or their brains become more aware and they have to re-learn how to understand the world around them. Thinking about it this way, we can see how challenging development could be and why children might have some difficulty adjusting to new growth at first. The goal of understanding your child and where they are developmentally is to not overreact to things that are normal and healthy for their development and to notice when your child might need a little extra help.
Let me outline a few typical behaviors that may surprise you.
Age 6:
Some behaviors at age 6 can be concerning for parents but are actually quite normal and children usually develop out of them by age 7. Bed wetting or accidents at this age are very common. Children age 6 often begin lying. This can be very stressful for adults but is not anything to be overly concerned about unless the behavior persists beyond what is developmentally appropriate. Children typically begin exhibiting more defiant behaviors at this age. They are beginning to seek more independence and struggle to find a better way to do this at first.
Age 9:
Children at age 9 typically begin exhibiting greater anxiety about school performance and have more frequent worries in general. Self-criticism and avoidance of situations in which they think they may fail begin surfacing. Children at this age are becoming much more aware of their peers, expectations, and social structures. When figuring this out at first, it’s not unusual for children to feel some anxiety and self-doubt.
Age 11:
Children age 11 often exhibit unpredictable mood swings and more social problems as they seek to find belonging within their social groups and find activities that make them feel confident and competent. Children at this age have a much higher sensitivity to feeling embarrassed in front of peers or in public when being corrected. They also tend to argue with adults more often. They’re brains are developing and have a much greater capacity for logical thinking and they are trying to figure out how that fits with authority figures.
When to Seek Help
Some general rules of thumb about when to seek help are if your child’s behavior or abilities seem significantly different from their peers, you feel like you need some parenting support about what’s going on with your child, or you feel you and your child’s relationship is strained or disconnected. Some other reasons you may want to seek support are your child has experienced a traumatic event or a significant transition, any of these challenges are prolonged or you think your child may be having difficulty dealing with them, your child seems socially discouraged, they seem overwhelmed, or anything is interfering with their daily functioning.
Fortunately, your child can be successful in overcoming all of these developmental challenges and development also comes with moments of growth will make you and your child feel so proud.
Join me for a webinar>>>>>>where I will talk more about development, what’s typical and what’s not, and give some tips about how to respond when your child’s behavior is stressful, but normal and what you can do when you think your child might need a little support.
Madison Longchamp, MS, APC I am a Licensed Associate Professional Counselor. I received my Bachelor’s of Science degree in Psychology from The University of Alabama and my Master’s of Science degree in Psychology and Clinical Counseling from Brenau University. I have research experience in child development and education and experience providing and interpreting psychological and cognitive assessments.
Learn more about Madison and how she can help your child here!
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by Anastasia Chrysostom | Jan 27, 2020 | Uncategorized
by Jennifer Hama, LPC, CPCS
The easiest yet hardest words to say.
I was playing with my two year old and noticed her repeat the same two words over and over. I realized that most parents, including myself, frequently get annoyed with these two words but once the annoyed feeling left I realized why it annoyed me so much. These are two words that I don’t use enough.
In fact, I actively avoid using them. I have also been denied the ability to use these words both by society and individual people. That needs to stop and we need to use these words more often.
What are these wise words spoken so easily by the smallest of humans: help and no.
These are one syllable words that are easier to pronounce than Worcestershire, yet we hardly say them. Why is that? Here are some thoughts:
Help: 
Often we have internalized the belief that asking for help means something about who a person is, ie asking for help means that somehow “I’m weak, not good enough,” etc. This is called a shame based belief because it characterizes the problem as something about who you are instead of a skill or a weakness.
There are two consequences of not asking for help: first is that it reinforces the shame based belief. Second: it limits growth potential. By pushing through and continuing to ask for help even when afraid, means that the old limiting shame based beliefs have to change and growth as a person can continue.
No:
Many people believe that when we say no to others it’s “mean,” “blocks your blessings,” or makes you “ungrateful.” When we believe these, we fear saying no. Difficulty saying no often leads to an overfilled plate, an unbalanced life, and resentment.
We have limited time and energy and if we are not actively choosing (ie saying no) the things/events/people/behaviors in our lives, those things will drain our time and energy and we will have nothing left for the things we want to spend our time and energy on. This is called Parkinson’s Law. Be choosy in what you say yes to because you are saying no to something else.
You have the right and responsibility to ask for help and to say no.
Not only is saying no or asking for help a right you have. It is a responsibility. If you choose not to exercise your right, you end up being resentful in your life and harming the relationships that you value. I realize I sound like negative Nancy and Debbie downer had a child, but it is imperative that we begin to create a healthy environment not only for ourselves but for our loved ones and these simple (but hard) words can make a huge impact.
Jennifer Hama, LPC, CPCS I have a core belief that a sense of humor is essential to living a fulfilling life. And I like to recognize mine. Regularly. I hate laundry and psychobabble, but I love uncensored real talk. It’s necessary for you to know this. Also, I have a white board that I go everywhere with. While it’s entertaining to watch me roll it around the office while trying not to trip, it’s also a powerful therapy tool, helping you visualize your struggles and brainstorm solutions. I don’t do “therapy speak, ” I shoot straight, and believe in giving you practical tools to help you change your life.oes here
Learn more about Jennifer and CBT, Here
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